Anyone who knows me for five minutes knows that one of the things I can’t bear in life is REGRET. It’s a killer. It’s one of those emotions that you have to strategically decide how you’re going to deal with it, or else it will eat you up alive.
I made a couple memorable mistakes early in life which is how I discovered regret. Afterward, I vowed to live my life in a way that I wouldn’t have many. I’m not perfect, by any means; I don’t always succeed. Case in point, several years ago, I was staring at a lifeboat right in front of me, heaven-sent, and I let it float right past.
I was with my fiance back then and it was tough at some points, to say the least. He had a friend that I was doing some work for and in the course of the work, his friend became such a mentor to me. His name was Gary and he would always guide me, talk with me and talk to me. I felt fortunate since he was a good businessman and had been through many things himself.
When things fell apart between my fiance and I, Gary stepped in and gave me even more work, made me get out of the house and work out. He kept encouraging and guiding me. He was a wonderful person to me.
As fate would have it, my fiance and I reconciled and then we had our son. The rest is history. Years later, I was able to talk with Gary again. He told me that long ago, he had wanted me to be his and have a family with me. I could’ve really been pushed over with a feather when I heard this. At the time, I had no idea he felt that way about me. Looking back, it was obvious. As fate would have it once more, he had just moved out of the country for business. So, it was not to be. Ever.
Gary has since found someone and I think it’s wonderful. He’s been through a lot and he deserves to be happy. As for me, I always remember him fondly, with much love, and regret… I know now, that in my times of trouble, the Universe heard my heart and sent someone to me. I was so caught up in the darkness, though, that I could not see. I love my life and who I’ve become, but there will forever be that little voice of regret, wondering aloud inside my head, “What could have been?”
This song is so poignant. What would the world be like if girls acted like boys.. and did all the things that they do? Would it make a difference? Would it make things better? Would our hearts be less broken?
What are you most afraid of? You know what I’m talking about – the one fear that grips you so tightly, you lose your breath. Yes, that one…. being ALONE.
Lately, all I’ve heard about is this person or that person is willing to do anything and everything to not be alone. Person A is moving to the Carolinas with her unfaithful boyfriend so that she’s not alone. Person B took back her unreliable techie husband, but has a boyfriend on the side so that she certainly won’t be alone. Person C would rather stay in a status quo relationship than to be alive…. and alone.
I don’t get it. It’s being alone, people – not being dragged off and hanged at the crack of dawn.
When you think about it, what is it that makes us so fearful of being alone? Is it because we don’t want to be alone in the house? Is it because we don’t want to feel alone in this world? Or is it because we don’t want to be alone with ourselves?
I am single. I’ve been single for almost two years and I have two young children. I raise them by myself. It’s not easy, but dammit, I do it and it gets done.
Yes, I did the afraid-to-be-alone dance just like everyone else. I was right there in those shoes. However, at a certain point, I could no longer put myself through those moments where I genuinely questioned what I was doing with my life. My philosophy is that we have but this one life. It will end, but how are we going to live it?
For many years, I did what I thought I was supposed to do in our society. I went to college, got a job, got married, and had kids. Along the way, I lost myself. I lost who I was. I looked in the proverbial mirror one day and did not know who was staring back at me. I wasn’t happy in my marriage, but Society said that I should stay married, so I suppressed those feelings. Time went on and suddenly, more than a decade passed me by. I could no longer do it. Society forgot to include in the instruction manual, “Make sure you are happy.”
Sheryl Crow’s “Home” -
“I woke this morning,
to the sound of breaking hearts.
Mine is full questions
and it’s tearing yours apart.
This is home…”
When I first heard this song, I thought immediately – oh my gosh, that’s me! It haunted me. Life marched past that girl. She looked around after a while and wondered, what the heck happened? I knew all those emotions. I didn’t want that to be me twenty years down the line. So, I made one of the hardest decisions ever.
To sum up that period of time, it was one of the worst things that I’ve been through….. but I got through it.
Was it difficult? Yes. I felt judged most of the time, especially as a woman. But something I feared more than Society’s judgement was REGRET. To have days, years, decades pass me by without doing any of the things I longed for in my heart, was too much to bear. I wanted my daughter to see a woman who was happy… strong… and full of the magic of life. Because in my mind, I knew that who I was, would determine whom she would be.
After my marriage ended, I still suffered from that fear of being alone. I started a new life with an amazing, charismatic guy. But after some time, I realized it was going to be more of the same… and all my fears took hold of me again. All of them swirled around me once more. I didn’t know if I could do it another time!
But one day, something clicked. Everything that I had been working on inside me, came together in a perfect way and in one beautiful jump off the cliff, I had the courage to free myself.
Yes, free myself. I was a prisoner of my irrational fear of being alone. And oh what I endured to not be alone.
The first several months were difficult in that I was transitioning from having some help around the house to having zero help around the house. After a while though, I hit my stride. I saw the beauty of my situation. I stopped internally labeling myself as “single” and instead, considered myself “free!”
Someone tried to console me recently by saying that I was a great person and I wouldn’t be alone for much longer. I asked myself, what’s wrong with being alone? Nothing at all. I do as I please and I don’t catch hell for it.
What I’ve learned on my journey is that freedom to guide my own course is precious to me. I’ve also learned that people who are married don’t have all the answers and being married isn’t an answer. Would I like to have companionship? Of course. I’d like them to not mess up my kitchen and go home later though. Would I get married again? Maybe. I won’t rule it out. Do I get lonely? Sure. I’m human. But as far as what I do with my life, I’m not enslaved by a fear of being alone. In fact, being free empowers me. I am alive inside and out. I am full of love for others and myself. But most importantly to me, I decide my destiny happily and freely.
This photo was taken in December in Brussels, Belgium. We were meandering through some streets on the way back from a plaza when I spotted this and took a shot. The hanging lantern & neighborhood were so charming, as was all of Brussels.
Don’t you love it when you find a song that fits *perfectly* at that moment in time in your life? That’s how I feel about this song. It’s beautiful – the piano, the vocals, the beat, the sentiment. “Everything’s gonna be alright.. alright.. alright…” I hope you enjoy it as much I do!
I was with my fiance back then and it was tough at some points, to say the least. He had a friend that I was doing some work for and in the course of the work, his friend became such a mentor to me. His name was Gary and he would always guide me, talk with me and talk to me. I felt fortunate since he was a good businessman and had been through many things himself.
